Week 2
WELCOME TO THE LEAGUE!
Marvin Harrison Jr! Never give up on rookies after Week 1, cuz they just might go off for 29.00 FF points in Week 2. Tua Tagovailoa might need to give up on football or at the least give up on playing Quarterback. Kicker might be a better position for Tua and his brain… SPEAKING OF KICKERS - 17 FF kickers reached double digit points this week and we have another week where a kicker single handedly won an NFL game. Austin Seibert… Never heard of her. I feel like a crack fiend for kickers this year.
Alvin Kamara is going OFF, the Bucs are the team of the year, The Houston texans are BLITZING, and the JK Dobbins train keeps on chuggin’. The TNF matchup was a bit of a blowout but James Cook and De’Von Achane are running their FF team owner’s into the win column. That is unless you run into the buzz saw of A, B, Cee Deez Nuts. But anytime you can get big points on TNF, you’re setting yourself up to win the week and jump out to a big lead and vice versa. It hurts to see LaPorta Potty get 0.0 out of Keon Coleman on TNF. I really feel bad for the guy. T’s and P’s.
We got fake punts in Week 2, we got linebackers throwing punches, and we got 1-handed interceptions! That’s football, baby and that’s good shit. Are the Cowboys already eliminated from the playoffs? Is the Zamir White show over? Is Bryce Young going to cry? Caleb Williams already tried crying and it didn’t go over well for him, and it didn’t go well on SNF as he was sacked 7 times. Travis Kelce had his lowest point total in FF since Week 1 of 2018 - he will Shake It Off.
The 49ers lost and haven’t won in Minnesota since the early 90’s, while the Las Vegas Raiders win a big game coming back from down 10 points with 12 minutes to play. RIP to all the survivor pool contestants in the world.
5 of the top 8 FF QB’s from Week 2 are sitting on waivers and 3 of the top 5 seem to be guys that no one wants to touch in fear of being shamed. But Derek Carr is winning football games and that’s the bottom line!
Injuries are apart of the game! Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it almost happened! Evan Engram getting hurt pregame and CMC going on IR, I hope that no FF team has both players. Tua is already talking about returning but the Waddle/Hill ship may have set sail on the fantasy season if they have Skylar Thompson throwing the football. Cooper Kupp is in a walking boot, Isiah Pacheco is in a walking boot, and Jamar Chase might get the boot off the fuckin’ team!
Guys who should be chugging beers out of a boot to celebrate: Nico Collins, Chris Godwin, DK Metcalf, and Malik Nabers.
MATCHUP OF THE WEEK
Who guy? New guy! Cream Slingers are new to Dubtown but not new to fantasy football and not new to Windsor football. Tush Push isn’t just what they call Brian Robinson’s big ol’ booty! Jalen Hurts is picking up where he left off by running over the top of the center for easy touchdowns and big fantasy points. A ton of points out of the Cream Slingers top 4 players to get the win in a quiet week from Amari Cooper and Mike Evans. It’s good to get a MOTW win, but it’s not all sunshine and Sunny D for this team as Pacheco is heading to IR, Justin Jets walked off with injury, and Taysom Hill “avoided anything serious”. 2-0 is great but the waiver wire needs to be good to this team.
Coach Benji can’t catch a break ala Saquon Dis 2023 - two Matchup of the Week’s in a row and both in losing efforts. Well rounded performance from the team but Josh Allen didn’t need to ball out on TNF as the Bills were out to a comfortable lead and never needed a deep passing game. Malik Nabers and Zay Flowers totaling 43.3 FF points on the bench and the Benji’s could’ve used about 6 of those points this week. First team all bench is not an award we give out in this league. Have we ever had back-to-back Sacko? It’s still early, let’s all calm down. 🦑
FAT GUY TOUCHDOWN
We had a fat guy touchdown in the Chiefs/Bengals game this week! A 1-yard TD for Wanya Morris. Dance, big fella!
TRADE BAIT
Every fantasy team’s best trade prospects.
LaPorta Potty - Keon Coleman: This guy is going to be good but it is going to take a few weeks. Plus he is on a great team with a good QB.
Nico Suave - Deandre Swift: A weak OL is hurting Swift this year. But for a FF team struggling with RB injuries, it could be a good chance to buy low on a player who we’ve seen make plays in the past.
Paper Chaser - Kyren Williams: This team has RB’s to spare and needs a WR with Kupp going down.
Dicker Down - Brock Bowers: The Brock hype couldn’t be higher and many would be willing to pay. But this guy is a rookie and it’s hard to replicate a Sam LaPorta rookie year. Sell high.
Bijan’s Dijon Mostert - Rashid Shaheed: A team light on RB and heavy in WR. Shaheed is a deep TD machine but NFL teams will start to catch on. A good risk to trade or to keep.
America’s Next Top Waddle - Christian McCaffrey: In a short bench league it is tough to stash players, but someone may be willing to buy high enough to trade for an active player.
F’kn Catalina Wine Mixon - Brandon Aiyuk: WR galore on this team, and Aiyuk has started slow. Surely someone is interested and betting that he gets in shape the next few weeks.
Globo Gym - Mark Andrews: Two TE’s on this team and the other is Travis Kelce. Trade Andrews tomorrow.
Cream Slingers - Jameson Williams: In desperate need of a RB and Jameson Williams is actually WR3 on this team. This team has trade bait in the WR room.
Coach Benji - J.K. Dobbins: Any day now before Dobbins get injured for the remainder of the season. Sell now while the market is hot.
Swag Dahdi - Diontae Johnson: Bryce Young is out, Red Rifle is in. The receptions are going to come for Johnson. Would be good in a multiple player deal to throw this guy in.
A, B, Cee Deez Nuts - Jordan Mason: There will never be a better market for Mason than there is right now. A good chance to trade to a team that is in need at RB immediately.
TOP ROOKIES OF THE WEEK
Highest scoring rookies in Week 2.
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13.44 Points
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18.6 Points
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29.0 Points
HAVE YOU SEEN ME?
Players in FF starting lineups that didn’t show up in Week 2.
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0.0 Points
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1.1 Points
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0.0 Points
ALL ABOARD THE NIGHT TRAYN EXPRESS
There are few times in a man’s life where he is given an honorable opportunity. To be the first column writer for this league’s website and weekly updates, is that opportunity for myself. Now let me get this out of the way.
I have been around the block too many times and have heard every joke in the playbook. If you come up with something else, good on you. But yes, everyone wants a ride on the Trayn.
“Your name is Traynor!?”
“Is it trailer or Traynor?”
“How do you spell that?”
“Training Bra”
“Are you a personal trainer?” – “No, I’m not. Just look at my legs and the size of my wrists”
“Are you going to be training us today”
Disclaimer – there will be a lot of genitalia references in the column this week. Go grab the Jergens and single ply toilet paper Wyatt, or Red, or Little Guy, or Earp, whatever the fuck we are calling you.
LaPorta Potty – and I really want to amplify the Potty. What an absolute disgrace of a performance. Talk about being king on the hill after week one to other’s questioning if your team is the F word (FRAUD) just a couple of days later. In honor of Kenny’s Makes My Dick Hard of The Week, I bring you the first ever – What Makes My Pee Pee Soft of the Week.
Keon Coleman putting up a goose egg – Pee Pee hiding in my stomach.
Sam LaPorta totaling under 9 points combined through week 2 – Pee Pee soft after an ice bath.
Michael Pittman Jr having only 52 yards receiving through week 2 – The mushroom tip has disappeared but some shaft is still showing.
Anthony Richardson throwing 3 INT’s – No way any pee pee can helicopter after a performance like that.
Being low score of week 2 – Castration.
“Show me a guy who’s afraid to look bad, and I’ll show you a guy you can beat every time.” – Lou Brock
We are on to week 3 where I am matched up against the Tyran…I mean commissioner. I have been in this position before and have come out on top. Let me remind the league, my name is on that trophy. I am the only one to interrupt the dynasty of that small handed fuck Kirby. The rest of you, say what you want but your plaque isn’t there.
I will sign off by saying I look forward to Tyler Bowman’s column for Week 3.
A MESSAGE FROM CHRIS LOWE
Dear Sirs,
I remember back in my day when Seabass was hitting 50+ yard fieldgoals from the infield dirt of the coliseum (RIP). Nowadays kickers are kicking off pristine turf in climate-controlled domes. This isn’t the league I grew up loving, this isn’t my NFL. The most memorable football tragedies involve these madden-player-converted-placekickers missing kicks to win ballgames. We feel a sense of sorrow, not for these losers (who’s only job is to kick a football) but for the real players who put their disposable bodies on the line week in and week out just for a chance at glory. Before we rest our heads at night, we often wonder the raw emotion running through Fred Warner when he could do nothing but watch from the sidelines as Jake Moody missed a chip-shot field goal to ice the superbowl for the 49ers. This was Fred’s glory, and it was taken by someone that was cut from his local co-ed rec soccer club and never put their hand in the dirt or felt the rush of an Oklahoma drill in two-a-days. Fred deserves better than this.
Now we turn to our own handcrafted teams. Let’s play a fun game: Player A has 41 fantasy points and plays half the snaps in a ball-game while coordinating a high-powered offense while player B has 37 fantasy points and comes in when the offense has become constipated in enemy territory. That’s right, player A is none other than Josh Allen while player B is a Ka’imi Fairbairn. How does this point distribution make any sense? Quarterbacks are stars of the league, kickers are meant to be an afterthought brought in as a reminder of fantasy failure. I say, this failure is not to be rewarded. If we had the choice, we wouldn’t want the outcome of favorite team on Sundays to come down to these degenerates-so why are we putting so much stock into them on our fantasy football squads? Are we not rooting for TDs? Are we not rooting for the overs? This is my final plea to consider removing this black-eye from our once proud fantasy football league. Thank you for your time and consideration on this controversial subject.
Best,
Chris Lowe
aka Bijan’s Dijon Mostert
GETS MY DICK HARD OF THE WEEK
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GETS MY DICK HARD OF THE WEEK 〰️
Josh Jacobs rushed the ball 32 times on Sunday. You think he’s tired and sore? Hell no! Gets my dick hard!
OVERREACTION OF THE WEEK
What’s the point of having a rule against the hip drop tackle if it is never going to be called? Joe Mixon 100% was injured on a hip drop tackle and nothing comes from it. What’s the point of having a referee in New York if you can’t go to them unless a penalty was called? That’s the entire point of having a referee in New York. Al-Shaair staying in the game after punching a dude in the face is a joke. Also, I will never understand punching a guy who is wearing a helmet.
I don’t mind the PI call in the Chiefs game and anyone who is crying about the penalty is wrong and anyone crying about the Chiefs getting homer calls is right but need to grow up. That’s the way the world works - if you’re the best, people are more willing to help you out. And the NFL is no different. Detroit and Cleveland ain’t getting those calls and they never will, sorry. Move on.
Kickers and defenses are ruling the league right now. QB’s are getting sacked left and right, what’s the deal? Two high safeties? Edge rushers on steroids? The whole preseason during the regular season gig is getting really old and I would like some more consistency, please. This is going to be an interesting week on the waiver wire because a lot of teams need some help due to injuries but I don’t think I see anybody worth over $10 on the wire. But that is subjective and my team is nearly injury free so of course my price is different.
Globo Gym needs some help! Send aid or send trade requests. Bijan Dijon has the most points against in the league and there is not much you can do about that. But look at Ty’s team last year when he went started 1-2 and then went on a tear to 10-4 and got a BYE in the playoffs.
One more thing… Paper Chaser going 2-0 and not even filling his bench is so savage and I love it.