Week 5
YOU LIKE THAT?!
Kirky boy with his gold chain and sunglasses getting it done for The Falcons on TNF! Always a blessing to get off to a hot start in FF with big TNF points, but Kirk Cousins is on waivers. Seems like it was God’s Plan. None of that matters though because there is a new 2024 season #1 FF Quarterback in Lamar Jackson. Some people are saying that Lamar is HIM!
Joey Burrow going MENTAL, Kyler scampering like a first person video game, DJ Moore is finally completing his routes, and Garrett Wilson gets 22 targets! QB’s getting their fill this week and the ball has to be thrown to someone. Drake London, Darnell Mooney, Ja’Marr Chase, and Tee Higgins are reaping the benefits of the passing/receiving game in Week 5. Defensive/Special Teams touchdowns are SO in right now! Especially blocked field goal TD’s. Andrew Van Ginkel might be the new Trevon Diggs and DPOY to date. Maybe next year we will replace kickers with defensive position players in the Dubtown league? Maybe not. Patrick Surtain II might be the first overall pick if that were the case, but opponents just won’t throw the ball to his side of the field anymore.
Zac Taylor is now 10-21 against the AFC North. This is NOT how we should be spending the heart of Joe Burrow’s career. They will figure it out though, right? They do this every year. Bob Saleh is out in NY and he was never really a head coach anyway. George Pickens is “Open Fucking Always” but the Steelers just want to run the damn ball so Pickens is just resorting to hilarious facemask pulling at the end of the game. Boneheaded move, but truly one of the funniest clips of the year.
It wouldn’t be a Weekly blog without mentioning Jayden Daniels. No player in NFL history has ever had 1,000+ passing yards and 250+ rushing yards in their first 5 career games - until Jayden Daniels. And he is actually at 1,100+ passing and 300 rushing yards. All good, JD - but this is Kirk’s week!
MATCHUP OF THE WEEK
Blowout City in Week 5! Show me a high scoring and close matchup and the Genie will grant you a MOTW. Nothing but big wins this week so we go to the largest margin of victory with Coach Benji winning by over 50+ and showing Wine Mixon that last week was last week. Starting off the week with 15.0 FF points on TNF from Younghoe Koo even though Koo was missing kicks left and right and left again. Josh Allen may have been knocked out but he was smelling the salts to get back in their for the Benjis! Garrett Wilson and DJ Moore had break out games and this really could be the start to this FF season for Coach Benji. Don’t be surprised when this team wins 4 in a row. All of these points without Malik Nabers, Jonathan Taylor, and JK Dobbins - god damn!
F’kn Catalina Wine Mixon had it all going on last week but this is a what have you done for me lately league and not much was done this week. Joe Mixon and the Sun God are severely missed for this FF team who are searching for a RB1 and anyone to replace Jerry Jeudy. Antonio Gibson was meant to be the starter this week and then the Patriots immediately give Rhamondre the ball… weird. Speaking of weird, George Pickens is an absolute Looney Toon. Wine Mixon will be just fine though with CJ Stroud, Jayden Reed, and now Aiyuk showing some life. A matchup next week with LaPorta Potty will be a good one.
THICK PICK
Khalen Saunders with the THICK PICK on MNF! Run, big fella!
🚨TRADE ALERT🚨
Second trade of the year:
LaPorta Potty receives: Brock Purdy
Titletown Turtles receives: Darnell Mooney
Third trade of the year:
Globo Gym receives: Stefon Diggs and Javonte Williams
A, B, Cee Deez Nuts receives: A.J. Brown
SHE’S OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE
Young women and old NFL dudes.
Bill Belichick (72) and Jordan Hudson (24). Hudson is a former cheerleader and avid Taylor Swift fan. Here is the happy couple having a fun summer abroad.
Robert Kraft (83) and Dana Blumberg (50). Blumberg is an ophthalmologist, meaning she is an expert in managing eye and vision care. These two tied the knot in 2022 and share a common interest in money.
Mark Davis (69) and Hayden Hopkins (26). Hopkins is a dancer and is having a child with Joey Gallo. Mark does not mind, he will pick her up at the airport at 8.
TOP ROOKIES OF THE WEEK
Highest scoring rookies in Week 4.
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24.56 Points
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14.5 Points
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22.7 Points
HAVE YOU SEEN ME?
Players in FF starting lineups that didn’t show up in Week 4.
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1.8 Points
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2.0 Points
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2.1 Points
GETS MY DICK HARD OF THE WEEK
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GETS MY DICK HARD OF THE WEEK 〰️
Lamar Jackson stiff arming Sam Hubbard TWICE and throwing for a clutch TD. Sam Hubbard is listed at 6’5” and 265 lbs. Gets my dick hard!
OVERREACTION OF THE WEEK
The 49ers need to quit dicking around with the lead late in games and put their foot on the pedal. Kyle Shanahan is notorious for just absolutely blowing games at this point. Once is chance, twice is coincidence, and three times is a trend. I think he is a great coach, but what is the problem with holding onto games? The NFC West is wide open at this point and I think that’s the only reason to not press the panic button yet. Thursday Night Football next week is going to be a good one!
Minnesota and Houston are still looking like playoff contenders this year but looks like they will lose Aaron Jones and Nico Collins respectively - and so does Nico Suave. Who is going to win the NFC North though? I like all of those teams (even the Packers). And it’s the Packers who look like the big brains for getting rid of Aaron Rodgers. That guy is cooked! Why does he make those faces? He looks like he is trying too hard to be disappointed at all times. Maybe try a little proactiveness and leadership, buddy.
Swag Dahdi started 4-1 last year and Deez Nuts started 3-2 as well. History repeats itself. Benching Tyreek Hill for Diontae Johnson is WILD! I guess those are the types of moves you can make when facing Globo Gym.
Paper Chaser is running away with this league. This needs to be stopped immediately. A first round BYE in the playoffs is huge and 10 wins is going to secure that easily. Cream Slingers up next week to try to slow this roll.
KC, LAR, Miami, and Minnesota on BYE next week - best of luck to Travis Kelce/Pat Mahomes/Xavier Worthy owners.